Film review: Battleship

Liam Neeson has a big boat and is in command of a group of guys who also have big boats. One of these guys is a bit of a rebel who likes to drink, steal and fight so Liam thinks its a good idea to give him his own boat so that he can prove to Liam that he is worthy of nobbing his daughter. Rihanna then pops up for some inexplicable reason and proves that just like singing, acting does not come natural. Then some aliens get involved who for some reason only feel the need to hover about a bit over water and not shoot people. The aliens then visit Hawaii and some people try to act.

Liam Neeson has a real habit of signing up to do really shite films. I understand that the producers probably offered him a load of money but seriously Liam, when the premise of a film is based on a turn based boardgame set upon the exciting mechanic of a lettered and numbered grid just say no. Yes thats right people they based a film on "A3" "miss, G2" "miss, A4" "miss, E7", it's that exciting. They even try to bring this mechanism to the film itself with some completely bullshit reason involving buoys. The aliens are rubbish and look like hells angels bikers who have fallen chin first into some porcupines whilst coming back from a trip to Masterchiefs changing room. They also seem to only have one weapon and have these targeting systems that choose who or what is threatening seemingly at random. Stick a gun in my face, your good, be an innocent engine part, DIE YOU EVIL BASTARD!!! The main dude is rubbish, I may be wrong but I think he was also John Carter of Mars, not the best track record. The acting doesn't really get any better with the girlfriend, the scientists, the brother, the other navy men/women, the random black guy with metal legs, the entire feckin cast. Then theres the vacuum of talent that is Rihanna. She cannot act, period. I also hate her music but thats not really that important here just felt the need to point out that I think she is consistently rubbish across more than one medium. Both me and Sara fell asleep during this and once woken up I had missed nothing other than some really poor special effects. The plot jumps around with complete disregard for a story arc or structure. On a positive note they do use some ACDC songs, still a shit film tho.

Verdict: 1/5