Robert Pattinson has a hell of a lot of money and likes to travel round in his limousine and meet with lots of important people. He is young and as a result is arrogant about his money and stuff and has no problem lording it above all us insignificant poor people. He rides around having very important meetings with other very important people and occasionally has sex with some of them without washing himself at any point. Robert likes to use a lot of big words to describe his work, life and all things considered without at any point actually describing or explaining everything. Then Paul Giamatti turns up and also uses big words to explain nothing and I consider seeing how far you can actually push a cotton bud into your ears before the bleeding starts.
I hated this film with a passion. It is genuinely one of the worst films I have ever seen in my entire life if not the worst. The story is non existent. You follow Robert around in his day to day life as a billionaire business owner without at any point letting us know what he actually does for a living. This wouldn't be that bad if the majority of the other characters either work with or for him. Then there is the progression which again is non existent as nothing happens of any worth. Yes there are certain events that occur during the film but none of them make any sense and none of them fit with any form of a coherent narrative. Again this could be forgiven if the characters were likeable or realistic in any way. It seems as though David Cronenburg (director) is trying to aim for real characters with real problems but they talk in a way in which no human being has ever spoken in their entire life. An example of a sentence from the film may go something like this 'all I can see is an enigma, an enigma of the passion I hold for all the decisions that serve as measurements of my disdain'. I made that shit up myself but that is honestly how everybody talks in this film. They might as well be talking swahili I would have understood just as much, actually if they had been talking in swahili then they would have had an excuse whereas as it stands they have butchered a language I have been speaking for 26 years and consider myself somewhat fluent in. It is beyond pretentious and makes me want to hurt the stuck up morons who thought it would be a good idea to make films 'artsy' and 'existential'. All of you piss off and let me watch Twins.
Verdict: -7000/5
Sunday 31 March 2013
Thursday 28 March 2013
Film review: Breaking Dawn Part 2
Robert 'Pasty' Pattinson puts his fangs in and covers his body in glitter and has a baby with the miserable one Kristen Stewart. She is less of a sourpuss this time round as she has joined the legions of the Cullen family as their newest blood sucker. Taylor Lautner is hanging around as the resident borderline paedophile and they all seem mega happy, that is until Michael Sheen gets wind of the little nipper and decides that it certainly is not cricket to have a vamp baby. He then gets together all his gang and trundles on down to the Cullens crib and has a heated debate involving deadly gas and some wopping great dogs. All while this is going on Kristens dad is once again not considered at all and is just expected to put up with his daughter buggering off at the slightest sign of trouble and telling him nothing.
Anyone who has read my reviews before will know that I am not a fan of the Twilight series so much so I actually hate them. Believe me then when I say this is the best of the films bar maybe the first, however this does not in any way shape or form make it a good film. I will start with the positives, hell I am in a good mood. The story is actually not bad in this one and for once isn't wholly centred on the 'do I love Edward, do I love Jacob, do I love neither?' mechanic with some of the other characters actually getting a look in. We get to explore some of the other Cullens and also see a bit more of the Voltari, aka Michaels gang. This all culminates in a frankly impressive, if not a bit CGI heavy, battle at the end and I must say I was actually enjoying it. Herein starts the negatives. In true twilight form the best bit of the film, the battle, is completely ruined, I wont say how but it is the most stupid, rage inducing nonsense I have ever seen and I was so disappointed in the way they took it. Another negative is that sourpuss is still on the screen. Originally I thought it was the character that warranted the performance from Kristen but seeing her in other films I realised that she plays every character with an air of a teenager that has been told by her dad she has to come home an hour earlier than normal. Admittedly she attempts to crack a smile in this film but still ends up whining. Lastly there is still the ridiculous professions of love throughout the entire thing which make me want to scratch out my eyes. Love is not like that, fact. I would love to see them have an arguement or at the very least say something other than 'I have never loved anyone like this before' or 'you are so beautiful it hurts'. I am not sure those were actually in the film as I tune out when that shit starts but you get the gist.
Verdict: 1.5/5, and you were lucky to get that.
Anyone who has read my reviews before will know that I am not a fan of the Twilight series so much so I actually hate them. Believe me then when I say this is the best of the films bar maybe the first, however this does not in any way shape or form make it a good film. I will start with the positives, hell I am in a good mood. The story is actually not bad in this one and for once isn't wholly centred on the 'do I love Edward, do I love Jacob, do I love neither?' mechanic with some of the other characters actually getting a look in. We get to explore some of the other Cullens and also see a bit more of the Voltari, aka Michaels gang. This all culminates in a frankly impressive, if not a bit CGI heavy, battle at the end and I must say I was actually enjoying it. Herein starts the negatives. In true twilight form the best bit of the film, the battle, is completely ruined, I wont say how but it is the most stupid, rage inducing nonsense I have ever seen and I was so disappointed in the way they took it. Another negative is that sourpuss is still on the screen. Originally I thought it was the character that warranted the performance from Kristen but seeing her in other films I realised that she plays every character with an air of a teenager that has been told by her dad she has to come home an hour earlier than normal. Admittedly she attempts to crack a smile in this film but still ends up whining. Lastly there is still the ridiculous professions of love throughout the entire thing which make me want to scratch out my eyes. Love is not like that, fact. I would love to see them have an arguement or at the very least say something other than 'I have never loved anyone like this before' or 'you are so beautiful it hurts'. I am not sure those were actually in the film as I tune out when that shit starts but you get the gist.
Verdict: 1.5/5, and you were lucky to get that.
Monday 18 March 2013
Film review: The Artist
Some french guy is a mute and is in a bunch of silent movies in the 20's. He meets a french lady who also has a volume problem and wants to be in the movies alongside her silent heroes. They then use over the top facial expressions and the occasional written bit to tell the story of how talking is starting to be introduced but he doesn't want to talk in films however she does and John Goodman also thinks its a cracking idea but the french guy resists and thinks he knows better but turns out he doesn't, idiot. O yeh and none of them talk, ever.
This film won a lot of awards, like a bunch of super special ones meaning it should be a good film, right? Every year the awards season flags up certain films that we should all see for various reasons and for the most part they're wrong. Some of the shite that has won awards is in fact pretentious and frankly boring. This unfortunately is both. To start the story isn't original which by movie standards doesn't actually mean a lot but in an award winning film it should be a little more original. The story is the same as Singin' in the Rain which is one of my favourite films of all time, not really a good indicator I would like this version then. The acting is frankly annoying with the actors having to over accentuate every single facial expression so that we know what the hell they are going on about. Also a failing of silent cinema is the fact that music has to accompany it, again in itself not a problem but the music in this is really quite annoying and I just wished they had turned the volume down once in a while for a bit of respite. I don't have anything against silent cinema and it is historically very important for the entire film industry but I feel that in this case it is a gimmick. By that I mean that if it wasn't a silent film then nobody would really care about it and it certainly wouldn't have won all the awards it did. Its a shame because I wanted to like it but just couldn't get on board.
Verdict: 1.5/5
This film won a lot of awards, like a bunch of super special ones meaning it should be a good film, right? Every year the awards season flags up certain films that we should all see for various reasons and for the most part they're wrong. Some of the shite that has won awards is in fact pretentious and frankly boring. This unfortunately is both. To start the story isn't original which by movie standards doesn't actually mean a lot but in an award winning film it should be a little more original. The story is the same as Singin' in the Rain which is one of my favourite films of all time, not really a good indicator I would like this version then. The acting is frankly annoying with the actors having to over accentuate every single facial expression so that we know what the hell they are going on about. Also a failing of silent cinema is the fact that music has to accompany it, again in itself not a problem but the music in this is really quite annoying and I just wished they had turned the volume down once in a while for a bit of respite. I don't have anything against silent cinema and it is historically very important for the entire film industry but I feel that in this case it is a gimmick. By that I mean that if it wasn't a silent film then nobody would really care about it and it certainly wouldn't have won all the awards it did. Its a shame because I wanted to like it but just couldn't get on board.
Verdict: 1.5/5
Sunday 17 March 2013
Film review: Margin Call
Zachary Quinto and some guy who I am reliably informed by Sara is from gossip girl work as risk analysis people for Stanley Tucci. Stanley Tucci works for Paul Bettany but gets made redundant because the firm cannot afford him anymore. Paul Bettany works for Kevin Spacey who's dog is ill. Kevin Spacey works for some other guy who works with Demi Moore. They all work for Jeremy Irons who I think runs a stock broker firm. When Stanley buggers off he gives Zachary a computer file that says the company is leaking money from every orifice. People then have meetings at the most unsociable of hours and discuss how this will affect the world and its money. We spend the rest of the film following these people around whilst they talk quickly to each other about things I really don't understand like shares and business and stuff but the gist of it all is that its these bastards fault the financial world is on its arse.
Unfortunately for me this film is much smarter than I am. The lesson this has taught me is that I know nothing, and I mean nothing, about finances and the world in which they live. Despite this fact and that the film doesn't dumb anything down I really enjoyed it, however I can't really explain why but I will try. The acting is brilliant and the cast is a who's who of acting talent, other than the gossip girl guy who is trying bless him but cant really keep up. The story is complicated yes but is gripping to the end and is brilliantly written. The subject matter is very much of the time and is relevant to everybody, even the simplefolk like myself. That's about all I can say really other than this film is great and the fact I only understood about half of it and still loved it is testament to the film itself.
Verdict: 4.5/5
Unfortunately for me this film is much smarter than I am. The lesson this has taught me is that I know nothing, and I mean nothing, about finances and the world in which they live. Despite this fact and that the film doesn't dumb anything down I really enjoyed it, however I can't really explain why but I will try. The acting is brilliant and the cast is a who's who of acting talent, other than the gossip girl guy who is trying bless him but cant really keep up. The story is complicated yes but is gripping to the end and is brilliantly written. The subject matter is very much of the time and is relevant to everybody, even the simplefolk like myself. That's about all I can say really other than this film is great and the fact I only understood about half of it and still loved it is testament to the film itself.
Verdict: 4.5/5
Film review: Total Recall
Colin Farrell puts on his Arnie shoes and shacks up with Kate Beckinsale. They live in Australia and take a big tube like thing through the middle of the earth to work in Britain where all the oppressive douchebags live. Colin wakes up from a weird dream and wants to have some memories injected into his brain until Kate tells him 'stop being stupid and get to work'. Colin doesn't listen and ends up finding out he may or may not be a spy for some aussie resistance. Turns out that Kate is a bit of a bitch and actually wants to give Colin a right old spankin' and not in a dirty way. We then get to watch Colin meet Jessica Biel and the both of them run around a lot and travel through tubes with Kate and the dad from Malcolm in the Middle hot on their heels. After they have run around the film ends reasonably predictably, almost like I have seen it before, mmmm............
Remakes don't work, full stop. The big problem with them is either the original was rubbish and wasn't worth making again or the original was awesome and a remake just doesn't add anything we haven't seen before, this is the latter. The original Total Recall was great and was one of Arnies best and lets be honest weirdest. The makers of the new version obviously feel the same way as I do about the original as there are tons of references that show a true love of the film. The problem here is that they can't decide whether to change the film a lot or keep it the same. As a result we get some major changes, removing Mars completely from the scenario and replacing with Australia, and some exact repetition of the original script. All this leaves you to do as a viewer is sit and say 'that bits the same, oo no wait that bits different, yeh that bits the same aswell' and you never really get into the film itself. Its a shame because I get the feeling if the old version didn't exist then this would be a really good film. The acting is good, with particular props to Kate Beckinsale who plays sadistic bitch quite well, the action sequences are exciting and the premise works well but you cant stop thinking I have seen this all before and the story is ruined because of it.
Verdict: 3/5
Remakes don't work, full stop. The big problem with them is either the original was rubbish and wasn't worth making again or the original was awesome and a remake just doesn't add anything we haven't seen before, this is the latter. The original Total Recall was great and was one of Arnies best and lets be honest weirdest. The makers of the new version obviously feel the same way as I do about the original as there are tons of references that show a true love of the film. The problem here is that they can't decide whether to change the film a lot or keep it the same. As a result we get some major changes, removing Mars completely from the scenario and replacing with Australia, and some exact repetition of the original script. All this leaves you to do as a viewer is sit and say 'that bits the same, oo no wait that bits different, yeh that bits the same aswell' and you never really get into the film itself. Its a shame because I get the feeling if the old version didn't exist then this would be a really good film. The acting is good, with particular props to Kate Beckinsale who plays sadistic bitch quite well, the action sequences are exciting and the premise works well but you cant stop thinking I have seen this all before and the story is ruined because of it.
Verdict: 3/5
Friday 8 March 2013
Film review: Madagascar 3: Some Subtitle About Europe I Couldn't Be Arsed To Look Up
Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett Smith and David Schwimmer are a little tired of living it up on the African plains. They start moaning that four penguins didn't bother coming back and flying them to New York so they take it upon themselves to make their own way back. The most sensible route they can think of is to swim to france and then try to find the penguins there who are scamming people alongside some monkeys. Some french woman then starts hunting them and chases them onto a circus train. They then all join the circus and learn lessons about their lives and that the circus is much better for animals than both the zoo, where husbandry, breeding programs and the like are making zoos the best they have been in history; and the wild, where the animals are meant to be and where they had decided in the last film was the place for them.
How in the hell did they manage to squeeze three stories out of these characters? No really I want to know. The first of these films was passable and had a few laughs in it, King Julian for example I found rather funny in the first film. The second again was passable, admittedly by the hair on its chinny chin chin, and also had a minor amount of sense to it with the animals returning to their natural habitat. Why, oh why did they then bother to make this mess? The story makes no sense whatsoever, the jokes are nonexistent and the characters whom I used to find funny I now want to skin and wear as shoes. For an example of making no sense why when they find it so easy to swim to France from Africa did they not just swim to the States and before you all say America is much further from Africa than France I will ask you to recall the last time David Attenborough showed us footage of a giraffe, lion, zebra and hippo swimming across any major body of water. The rest of the film and plot follows this inane loose weave of nonsense. I really wanted to turn this shite off but I have never turned a film off and will not let this rubbish defeat me.
Verdict: 1/5
How in the hell did they manage to squeeze three stories out of these characters? No really I want to know. The first of these films was passable and had a few laughs in it, King Julian for example I found rather funny in the first film. The second again was passable, admittedly by the hair on its chinny chin chin, and also had a minor amount of sense to it with the animals returning to their natural habitat. Why, oh why did they then bother to make this mess? The story makes no sense whatsoever, the jokes are nonexistent and the characters whom I used to find funny I now want to skin and wear as shoes. For an example of making no sense why when they find it so easy to swim to France from Africa did they not just swim to the States and before you all say America is much further from Africa than France I will ask you to recall the last time David Attenborough showed us footage of a giraffe, lion, zebra and hippo swimming across any major body of water. The rest of the film and plot follows this inane loose weave of nonsense. I really wanted to turn this shite off but I have never turned a film off and will not let this rubbish defeat me.
Verdict: 1/5
Film review: The Bourne Legacy
Bourne is back but he isn't Bourne he's some other dude. This other dude is Hawkeye from Avengers who is a little bit addicted to blue and green tictacs and likes hanging out in the woods with other dudes who also love a bit of pill popping. Rachel Weisz turns up as a scientist who does some naughty testing on army men but no-one really knows why any of this nonsense is occurring other than Edward Norton who pops up every now and again to not bother explaining anything. Hawkeye then runs around a lot with Rachel giving lots of people a right old thrashing, don't worry though most of them deserve it, although worryingly some don't.
The original three Bourne films are brilliant, fact. There is however a problem with this fact in that every bloody action film following it had to have 'The New Bourne' or 'Its Bourne meets The Matrix' plastered all over it. Due to this, to be honest, well deserved attention some clever pup decided to make a fourth film, this pup, however, was not clever enough to actually make a good film. I must just say that this as a film is not that bad but it has two fatal flaws. One is that it decided to stick itself to the Bourne trilogy and to do this it keeps playing random clips and snippets from Ultimatum throughout that don't actually fit in all that well. It could be argued that the idea behind this film, super soldiers hooked on pills, is a very good one and would have made a great standalone film. Herein lies the second problem in that if it was a standalone film then people would have constantly been saying 'well thats just copying Bourne'. This leaves the film sort of hovering loosely between Bourne and its own story and it never really settles anywhere long enough for a coherent story to develop. Its a real shame as I love the premise, love Jeremy Renner and his supportings and really liked the start of the film. I can't honestly say I didn't like the film but I also can't say I loved it. Ultimately I don't think its a bad stab and can sort of see what they were trying to do with it, the ending comes out of nowhere though which did jump up on me pretty sharpish.
Verdict: 3/5
The original three Bourne films are brilliant, fact. There is however a problem with this fact in that every bloody action film following it had to have 'The New Bourne' or 'Its Bourne meets The Matrix' plastered all over it. Due to this, to be honest, well deserved attention some clever pup decided to make a fourth film, this pup, however, was not clever enough to actually make a good film. I must just say that this as a film is not that bad but it has two fatal flaws. One is that it decided to stick itself to the Bourne trilogy and to do this it keeps playing random clips and snippets from Ultimatum throughout that don't actually fit in all that well. It could be argued that the idea behind this film, super soldiers hooked on pills, is a very good one and would have made a great standalone film. Herein lies the second problem in that if it was a standalone film then people would have constantly been saying 'well thats just copying Bourne'. This leaves the film sort of hovering loosely between Bourne and its own story and it never really settles anywhere long enough for a coherent story to develop. Its a real shame as I love the premise, love Jeremy Renner and his supportings and really liked the start of the film. I can't honestly say I didn't like the film but I also can't say I loved it. Ultimately I don't think its a bad stab and can sort of see what they were trying to do with it, the ending comes out of nowhere though which did jump up on me pretty sharpish.
Verdict: 3/5
Film review: The Lorax
A kid who lives in the odd world of Dr Seuss wants to impress a girl by getting her a tree. Trees happen to be pretty scarce in the Doc's world and the kid goes off on a little jolly to find one. Here he meets a guy who may or may not be a serial killer who turns out was the guy who cut all the trees down. He then tells a story of how he meets some bears, singing fish and some furry trees. He uses these trees to create what may or may not be a snood. Then Danny DeVito turns up with an orange tache and annoys everybody immensely. Overall we all learn some sort of environmental lesson which may or may not be do not buy air out of a bottle from a small man with bad hair.
I watched this film with Sara, whom you must know by now, and my friend Elliott. Both of them fell asleep roughly halfway through and did not wake until the film had finished. The reason I tell you this is because it doesn't actually have any bearing on how good the film is but does set up nicely for an assessment to where the film has flaws. About halfway through the film does lose its way a little bit, not in story but in entertainment. I found myself getting slightly bored, admittedly this may be because my company for the morning had decided unconsciousness was more favourable to spending time with me but hey ho cant win em all. The film itself as a whole is not bad at all. Danny is surprisingly good as the Lorax itself and the film is peppered with little jokes that do keep you entertained. The environmental message does get a little 'inconvenient truth' on us but thankfully the producers do steer well clear of Mr Gore himself. I am not saying I don't believe in saving the environment, I am as big a fan of Captain Planet as the next guy so much so I may once have considered myself a Planeteer, but I don't want it shoved down my throat by a short orange bloke. Forgetting that though I did enjoy it more than I was expecting.
Verdict: 3/5
I watched this film with Sara, whom you must know by now, and my friend Elliott. Both of them fell asleep roughly halfway through and did not wake until the film had finished. The reason I tell you this is because it doesn't actually have any bearing on how good the film is but does set up nicely for an assessment to where the film has flaws. About halfway through the film does lose its way a little bit, not in story but in entertainment. I found myself getting slightly bored, admittedly this may be because my company for the morning had decided unconsciousness was more favourable to spending time with me but hey ho cant win em all. The film itself as a whole is not bad at all. Danny is surprisingly good as the Lorax itself and the film is peppered with little jokes that do keep you entertained. The environmental message does get a little 'inconvenient truth' on us but thankfully the producers do steer well clear of Mr Gore himself. I am not saying I don't believe in saving the environment, I am as big a fan of Captain Planet as the next guy so much so I may once have considered myself a Planeteer, but I don't want it shoved down my throat by a short orange bloke. Forgetting that though I did enjoy it more than I was expecting.
Verdict: 3/5
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