The Love Punch

Pierce Brosnan and Emma Thompson used to be married but then Pierce decided secretary's were a much better sexual option. They have a daughter who goes to uni and some whacky friends who look remarkably like Timothy Spall and Celia Imrie. Pierce is some bigshot business owner in London whose business is bought and shut down by a french dude. Pierce and Emma decide to go to Paris to track down this dude and get their money back, even though apparantly everything he has done is legal, if a little dickish. He says in no uncertain terms "non and get out of my house you english pigdogs", I may have paraphrased a little there. The not so happy couple then decide that the completely appropriate response to this apathy is to kidnap 4 Texans, break into a wedding and steal a $10million diamond from the french dudes fiancee whilst roping in Tim and Celia. O yeah and their son is a super hacker whose roommate is fond of public masturbation.

To say this film is awful would be an understatement. It starts with the divorced couple at a wedding and opens with a very nice little joke about the infidelity that plagued their clearly unhappy marriage, this is where the humour decides to jump ship. There are literally no other laughs in the entire film which in and of itself is no bad thing if it wasn't desperately trying to make you laugh. I honestly would have had a better time with Mike Tyson slapping me repeatedly whilst asking me "Are you laughing yet?" and biting my ear every time I said no. The storyline is complete and utter horseshit. At no point does a single character even begin to entertain the notion that stealing a diamond is illegal and insanely stupid. The best friends think its a great idea, the hacker son doesn't think twice about helping them and even the fiancee seemingly thinks what they are doing is fine. One thing I have learnt from this film is that apparently the french police are downright negligent in their duties as Emma and Pierce drive dangerously around paris, fire guns in restaurants, drug and tie up Texans, break into weddings, steal things and hack into everything they possibly can. This would all be fine if they were master criminals but they are idiots who do everything in the most blatent way possible without any form of repercussion. One of the most annoying parts is following the kidnap section Timothy Spall takes one of the Texans hats and the other three lose their shit over this theft, never mind the kidnap or planned diamond heist, no no no, this is fine but hat theft??? how dare you Timothy. The worst thing by far about this however is the talent that is in it. The 4 main actors are frankly some of our countries best, in particular Thompson and Spall, and all of them should know better. To be honest the rest of the cast should know better aswell but I forgive them because we all have bills to pay.

It's awful, just plain awful, and everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Verdict: 0/5, yes it's that bad