Film review: Killer Joe

Emile Hersch owes some guys some money but he doesn't have any money. He goes to see his dad who also has no money but crafty ol' Emile has a plan up his dirty trailer trash sleeve. Mummy dearest has an insurance policy on her life and is a bit of a cow so the family get Matthew McConaughey on the phone to come and sort mum out. Due to Emiles inability to pay up front Matthew hangs around and has it off with his sis until the cheque clears. Some shifty shenanigans occur and then people get hurt. A lot.

Matthew McConaughey is the best thing about this film. It actually hurts a little writing that sentence as usually Matthew is awful in awful films and I avoid anything he does. In this he is amazing, genuinely. His character is awkward, creepy and ultimately terrifying. He is the kind of guy you do not want to cross and he repeatedly shows us why. I actually don't need to write more than this as he is worth watching this film, I know crazy right? Aside from that the rest of the cast also do a pretty good job. Emiles dad and stepmum are played well and his sis is also very good. Unfortunately Emile himself is good but verges on the annoying and whilst he didn't quite put me off he may put off others. The story is good but quite simple, not that that is a criticism it helps that it is simple, removes all the fluff. The film is also funny in a very dark way and also ever so slightly weird, once you see the KFC scene you will know what I mean. Trust me though this film is worth it.

Verdict: 4.5/5

Film review: Red Lights

Cilian Murphy and Sigourney Weaver travel around the states proving that all those pesky psychic mediums and ghosty people are frankly just a bunch of tits with too much time on their hands. They use their investigative powers to shut all these sheisters down and show them the error of their ways. That is until a blind Robert De Niro turns up. He was around in like the 70's or summin but then went away for a bit and then came back for a bit and sends shivers up Sigourneys spine. He then shows people his spoon bending powers and something to do with salt before coming to a big head to head with Cilian. Cilian gets a bit obsessed throughout the film and gets his end away with the Olsen twins sister, not one of the twins but the one who isn't a twin........you know what I mean.

I really enjoyed this film. Before I saw it I must admit I had heard it was quite good so I had relatively high expectations, which it exceeded. Everybody in it is great. Sigourney can do no wrong as the woman was once Lt Ripley, similar can be said for Bobby D who is a complete legend. Yeh both of them have had their share of shite roles but all together they are both amazing actors. Then there is the lead of Cilian. He is a very good actor and carries the film and the descent into obsession fantastically. The story is gripping and hinges on a simple premise, is De Niro actually a psychic. The magic of the film is it has you debating the question along with Cilian. He carries you into his obsession with him and you genuinely care what he finds once there. The ending is also brilliant and I did not see the film going in that direction. Sara claims she did but then stated that she only knew the answer literally 30 seconds before they tell you, that Sara is not working out the film, sorry but you lose that one. Overall I really liked it.

Verdict: 4.5/5

Film review: Sherlock Holmes Game Of Shadows

Robert Downey Jr dons his Olde Time clothing and puts all those hours studying the Queen's english into a frightfully posh accent in order to run around showing Jude Law how brilliant he is. Noomi Rapace turns up and does some Gypsy readings before joining in the running around with Bob and Jude. The three of them run around a lot after some professor guy (sorry don't know the actor and don't care enough to look it up) and Bob stops occasionally to run through a monologue that shows us just how clever he can be. He then meets the professor and they both discuss the merits of each of their intelligence and do indeed come to a conclusion as to who has the superior intellect. O yeh and Stephen Fry pops up who as we all know is also very intelligent. I feel stupid.

Before I start ranting can I just say that I did not dislike this film. Right now thats over I can start. My big problem with the film is the whole I am more intelligent than you mechanic, which is really tiring after a while. I like Sherlock Holmes and the fact he is a brilliant detective but I don't need it rammed down my throat constantly. This is epitomised by the fighting that occurs. The slowed down fight scenes work really well visually and look great played slow and then sped up second time round but it is verging on giving Mr Holmes psychic powers. This is really evident when he and the bad guy have a fight in which they don't actually fight they just intellectually plan their fight and decide through probability who will be the winner. All I could think through it was for god's sake stop faffing around and someone hit someone else in the face, I get it you are both really intelligent but I could do with either of you getting a slap. They also seem to have lost the fact that Holmes is a bit unhinged and partial to tasting fruits he shouldn't be tasting. They used this a little bit in the first film and I liked it but the second feels a little tamer. Saying all that the film is perfectly fine as entertainment. Robert is a good actor and plays the role well and all the support are pretty good aswell, shame they couldn't elevate it above passable.

Verdict: 3/5

Film review: Ted

Marky mark is a bit of a social reject as a kid so his parents decide to buy him a teddy bear. Him and the teddy bear then become bezzies and spend waaaayy too much time together. He makes a wish and the teddy bear then begins to talk like Peter Griffin crossed with Brian. They grow up together whereby Mark gets it on with Meg Griffin, aka Mila Kunis. Turns out Ted is a right dirty little bugger who keeps Mark in a perpetual state of immaturity. Then Phoebe Buffets little brother gets involved and we all learn lessons about life.

If you don't like Family Guy then you probably won't like this film. It's not exactly the same format or comedy style but there are a lot of similarities and some jokes either directly or indirectly reference the big FG. Saying that I love family guy and love this film. Ted is a brilliantly thought out character who provides laughs aplenty. Seth Macfarlane is a great writer and this has translated well into film land. Mark Wahlberg is also showing that he can do comedy really well and gives just as much to the comedy as Ted does. Saying that however it is very much Teds film and without him it would be a bit rubbish, makes sense I know as the film is called Ted but thought I would make the point anyway. Mila Kunis is also very good and helps to add heart to the film and anchors the storyline to more than just joke......innapropriate comment.........joke.........etc. My only problem with the film is it is ever so slightly too reminiscent of family guy in that they use some of the exact same jokes from the show. Still laugh at them but I am a bit of a loser so I would wouldn't I. Overall some really funny shizzle.

Verdict: 4.5/5

Top five christmas films

Due to the fact christmas is looming on the horizon and me and Sara put up our tree today I feel inspired to write my top five christmas films. Most of these will be on most peoples lists but there may be some surprises there. Here goes....

1) Elf

We all know that in recent times Will Ferrel has brought out a torrent of films in which he plays the same character, Ron Burgundy, don't get me wrong I love the moustacheoed one but it does wear a bit thin. Brilliantly however in this he is a sweet, innocent character who skips through life with a massive syrup induced smile on his face. I saw this initially with a group of my mates and none of us expected too much but from the outset, 'Bye, Bye Buddy', we all loved it. Since then it has become a firm favourite in my house and I have even turned Sara on to it. One last thing to say 'SAAAAANTA!............I know him'.

2) The Nightmare Before Christmas

This is Tim Burtons finest film, period. I do like Tim but he often has a habit of just putting a weird costume on Helena Bonham whatsherface and The Depper and throwing them into a room together. In this he follows the story of Jack the Pumpkin King who rules all of halloween. The animation is brilliant and the character and world design is outstanding. The songs are written well and sung amazingly and add to the story without ever making you feel like they are out of place. Just to let you know this film is slightly creepy and not your usual christmas film, it is not for children. Saying this Sara did mention that she thought all the characters were cute when she was younger but to be honest she is a little mental. Brilliant.

3) Die Hard

Ok so yes this has already been in one of my top fives and yes it isn't your typical christmas film but it is undeniable brilliant. Bruce Willis is ace as the borderline alcoholic cop and Alan Rickman is the single greatest german bad guy ever, take that Hitler. It may not be about christmas itself but there is a nice message behind the action and it is set around christmas, besides its my list so I don't care.

4) It's a Wonderful Life

I love James Stewart. He is the star of two of my top films ever (may be a list I do) and this is one of them. I almost feel ashamed to say I hadn't seen this film until a couple of years ago. Those who know me may be surprised that I love this so, those who don't it's because in general I am miserable as sin, truly miserable. This however made me smile all the way through and made me feel all snuggly inside........in a manly way of course. Jimmy S is amazing in the central role and you feel every single emotion that he does throughout the entire film. If you haven't seen this film then get a bleeding move on..........go on..............i'll wait.............must go shopping tomorrow..............see I told you, awesome isn't it.

5) The Muppets Christmas Carol

Firstly can I just say this is in the list for one main reason, Sara would kill me in my sleep if it wasn't. Everybody knows this classic Dickens story and there are bucket loads of adaptations to choose from, special mention to Scrooged with Bill Murray which missed this list by the hairs on its chinny chin chin, but whoever decided to Muppetise this story is a freakin genius, fact. Not only did they add in Kermit and his pals to the story but they cast Sir Michael of Caine to play Scrooge but to do it in the most serious of ways even with all the puppet madness going on around him. Then they chose to make it a musical with some wonderful songs that mesh seemlessly into the story. To top it off there is the addition of gonzo and rizzo as narrators who provide bags of comedy and bring the life out of the story in big, fat christmas sack fulls. Yeh alright I love it too, but for the love of god don't tell Sara.

There you have it. Please post opinions and shizzle on here, on my facebook or feel free to tweet me @poshbob.

Much love.

Film review: Crazy Heart

Jeff Bridges is a washed up country and western star who enjoys a glass of whisky and a frolic in the sack with some less than attractive older ladies. He then meets Maggie Gylenhaal who for some strange reason finds his manboobs and mumbling irresistable and decides to introduce this amazing role model to her four year old child. Jeff then goes on a journey of discovery and has a chat with Colin Farrell along the way. Much whisky is drunk and much lessons are learned and we all feel warm because of it.

I really liked this film. Jeff Bridges is for the most part brilliant in everything he is in and does not change that for this film. He has a great singing voice that really fits the mood of the film and the country and western vibe. Colin Farrell also gives the singing a good shot and as far as I know the both of them are actually the ones singing. Plus both of them act their socks off alongside Maggie Gylenhaal who excels as well. Little bit weird that she finds a shirtless, slightly flabby, alcoholic Jeff Bridges attractive but hey each to their own. The story flows well and you really get into the lives of the characters and believe in each of them. I dont really like it when people writing about or talking about films talk about 'believing' and all that but for this its true. All in all I loved it and while that may not make for the most exciting review it makes for a great film.

Verdict: 4.5/5

Film review: Battleship

Liam Neeson has a big boat and is in command of a group of guys who also have big boats. One of these guys is a bit of a rebel who likes to drink, steal and fight so Liam thinks its a good idea to give him his own boat so that he can prove to Liam that he is worthy of nobbing his daughter. Rihanna then pops up for some inexplicable reason and proves that just like singing, acting does not come natural. Then some aliens get involved who for some reason only feel the need to hover about a bit over water and not shoot people. The aliens then visit Hawaii and some people try to act.

Liam Neeson has a real habit of signing up to do really shite films. I understand that the producers probably offered him a load of money but seriously Liam, when the premise of a film is based on a turn based boardgame set upon the exciting mechanic of a lettered and numbered grid just say no. Yes thats right people they based a film on "A3" "miss, G2" "miss, A4" "miss, E7", it's that exciting. They even try to bring this mechanism to the film itself with some completely bullshit reason involving buoys. The aliens are rubbish and look like hells angels bikers who have fallen chin first into some porcupines whilst coming back from a trip to Masterchiefs changing room. They also seem to only have one weapon and have these targeting systems that choose who or what is threatening seemingly at random. Stick a gun in my face, your good, be an innocent engine part, DIE YOU EVIL BASTARD!!! The main dude is rubbish, I may be wrong but I think he was also John Carter of Mars, not the best track record. The acting doesn't really get any better with the girlfriend, the scientists, the brother, the other navy men/women, the random black guy with metal legs, the entire feckin cast. Then theres the vacuum of talent that is Rihanna. She cannot act, period. I also hate her music but thats not really that important here just felt the need to point out that I think she is consistently rubbish across more than one medium. Both me and Sara fell asleep during this and once woken up I had missed nothing other than some really poor special effects. The plot jumps around with complete disregard for a story arc or structure. On a positive note they do use some ACDC songs, still a shit film tho.

Verdict: 1/5