The Love Punch

Pierce Brosnan and Emma Thompson used to be married but then Pierce decided secretary's were a much better sexual option. They have a daughter who goes to uni and some whacky friends who look remarkably like Timothy Spall and Celia Imrie. Pierce is some bigshot business owner in London whose business is bought and shut down by a french dude. Pierce and Emma decide to go to Paris to track down this dude and get their money back, even though apparantly everything he has done is legal, if a little dickish. He says in no uncertain terms "non and get out of my house you english pigdogs", I may have paraphrased a little there. The not so happy couple then decide that the completely appropriate response to this apathy is to kidnap 4 Texans, break into a wedding and steal a $10million diamond from the french dudes fiancee whilst roping in Tim and Celia. O yeah and their son is a super hacker whose roommate is fond of public masturbation.

To say this film is awful would be an understatement. It starts with the divorced couple at a wedding and opens with a very nice little joke about the infidelity that plagued their clearly unhappy marriage, this is where the humour decides to jump ship. There are literally no other laughs in the entire film which in and of itself is no bad thing if it wasn't desperately trying to make you laugh. I honestly would have had a better time with Mike Tyson slapping me repeatedly whilst asking me "Are you laughing yet?" and biting my ear every time I said no. The storyline is complete and utter horseshit. At no point does a single character even begin to entertain the notion that stealing a diamond is illegal and insanely stupid. The best friends think its a great idea, the hacker son doesn't think twice about helping them and even the fiancee seemingly thinks what they are doing is fine. One thing I have learnt from this film is that apparently the french police are downright negligent in their duties as Emma and Pierce drive dangerously around paris, fire guns in restaurants, drug and tie up Texans, break into weddings, steal things and hack into everything they possibly can. This would all be fine if they were master criminals but they are idiots who do everything in the most blatent way possible without any form of repercussion. One of the most annoying parts is following the kidnap section Timothy Spall takes one of the Texans hats and the other three lose their shit over this theft, never mind the kidnap or planned diamond heist, no no no, this is fine but hat theft??? how dare you Timothy. The worst thing by far about this however is the talent that is in it. The 4 main actors are frankly some of our countries best, in particular Thompson and Spall, and all of them should know better. To be honest the rest of the cast should know better aswell but I forgive them because we all have bills to pay.

It's awful, just plain awful, and everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Verdict: 0/5, yes it's that bad

Avengers: Age Of Ultron

Robert Downey Jr, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansen and Jeremy Renner are teaming it up again and looking for things from the first film. They smash and crash and arrow people in order to recover the mind control staff thing Tom Hiddlestone used to cause a little havoc. They find it and RDJ decides the crystal thing THAT WAS USED FOR UNSPEAKABLE EVIL would make a great building block for artificial intelligence. Said artificial intellingence turns out to be a homicidal James Spader and RDJ and the gang need to get the non twin Olsen, Kick Ass and a whole bucket load of SHIELD people to help beat James before death and stuff goes down. Oh yeah and there's a colourful Paul Bettany in there aswell.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am a supergeek who loves all things Marvel. I mean I even own the dreadful Hulk that starred Eric Bana and I've watched it all the way through and everything. Excitement levels were at an all time high walking into the theatre to watch this latest Marvel offering and it pains me to say that I was ever so slightly disappointed. The story is very good and the slight shifts in the superhero lore flow very well and are very cleverly handled. The acting is top notch from all parties and the new additions to the cast, Elizabeth Olsen and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, are pretty spot on. There is a lot of humour involved as always and overall it fits nicely into the narrative if a little forced in places. The action is ramped up and is nothing short of spectacular with Hulk vs Ironman a particular highlight. Joss Whedon is a man who knows how to make one hell of a spectacular film without alienating the die hard comic fans like myself. Now onto the problems.

As I said before the humour sometimes felt a little forced and this is no more evident than when Ultron himself is in the spotlight. Now he is not exactly a stand up but he does make the odd quip which feels very much out of place. When we first meet Ultron he is newly formed, in a broken, mangled body with a broken, mangled voice and is genuinely terrifying as a prospect. The shame of it all is that once Ultron gets a shiny new body he loses a little of his presence and just isn't as scary. I'm not saying I didn't like the new Ultron I just preferred the tone of the first encounter with him and wish they had stuck with that. There are also a couple of romantic story arcs in the film which feel a little out of place and honestly I could have done without them, particularly with Scarlett Johansen who has possibly the most irritating sexy voice in the film industry. This in and of itself is annoying as she is a brilliant actress and not light on sex appeal anyway so why she feels the need to overact it god only knows. Finally I have to mention Paul Bettanys Vision character, sorry if this is a spoiler for you, who is done very well but I wasn't fully sold on him. Yes this is mainly because I don't really like The Vision as a character, or a name for that matter, but it just didn't gel for me and the disappointment started to eek back in.

Overall this is a cracking watch and very well done it's just not as good as the previous film or a lot of the individual character films. Admittedly that doesn't mean much as the standard of Marvel films is remarkably high and consistently so. Great job all round.

Verdict: 4.5/5

22 Jump Street

Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill are cops once again who are spending their time and a hell of a lot of taxpayers money blowing up stuff in order to look for drug dealers. Their police captain person gets royally cheesed off so sends them to work for Ice Cube again. Mr Cube thinks undercover work is good for them so sends them to college to look for more drugs. At college Channings does sporty stuff and Jonah likes women and art and they may or may not work together in order to find some dude or dudette and blow more shit up.

21 jump street was a lot funnier than it could have been and was a beautiful parody of itself and the genre it fit into. That being said I was a little trepidatious when starting to play the second in the series and was a little worried it would fall flat, good thing I was wrong. Right from the off it is clear Jonah Hill, he wrote it.........or co wrote it or something, is not taking things seriously in the slightest and actively takes the piss out of sequels and how they aren't as good as the originals. I must say that I enjoyed this just as much as the first, Tatum and Hill have palpable chemistry and Tatum in particular has very good comedic chops. Don't get me wrong the writing and direction are on form aswell but Tatum gives his all and it pays off. The supporting cast are wonderfully ridiculous and Ice Cube steals the majority of the scenes he is in and is the butt of probably the best joke in the entire film when the cops first see the interior of 22 jump street.

Not completely without flaws but was more like a well ironed shirt that has wrinkles on the collar. Loved it

Verdict: 4/5

Hercules

The Rock is this big time mega fighter guy who punches lions and smashes boars in the face with bits of tree. Armies of people hear of these feats via his annoying cousin and hire him and his small band of equally awesome fighter people. One of these people is Lovejoy who is a little older than the others but kicks some mega ass aswell. They keep running around killing people until John Hurt hires them to help him slaughter some pesky rebels, or warriors, or somebody, I don't know. Some more smashing of bones and stabby stuff goes down and boredom starts to set in.

On paper this film should, and could, have been awesome. Watching The Rock punch, kick and Rock Bottom the crap out of a bunch of mythical creatures sounds like possibly the greatest fun you could ever have in a cinema, ever. Ok maybe I overdid that a little but the point stands that this film should have been much better than it actually is. Pretty early on you find out that the stories may or may not be made up by The Rocks very irritating and gobby cousin as a very early form of PR. Unfortunately this leads into a disappointingly dull film. Dwayne is solid enough in the lead role but doesn't really have much to do other than flex his muscles. His supporting cast actually give it a little more wellie, in particular John Hurt and Ian McShane who clearly are having fun seeing who can chew the most scenery, but cannot produce much more than fleeting excitement.

I was very disappointed with this film and thats a real shame. I can't even say it was a bad film, it was worse than that, it was just boring.

Verdict: 2/5

2014 Oscar round up

I have had a bit of a mission this past year. For the first time ever I wanted to make sure that I saw every nominee for the best picture category. It took me until November to achieve this but I thought I would share my thoughts on each and rank them from my least favourite to my most.

Enjoy and please feel free to let me know your thoughts either on facebook (poshbob film reviews) or twitter (@poshbob)

9. Her

This is quite comfortably at the bottom of the list. It is not the worst film I have ever seen but it just didn't do it for me. The concept was very good and the acting top notch but it plays things a little bit too far on the pretentious side for me. Shame as it started very well.
(2.5/5)


8. American Hustle

This film is a very good watch and very entertaining it just didn't blow me away. David O'Russell puts a hell of a lot of style into the film but the substance behind it is a little uninspiring. The performances are very good across the board and on a second watch I enjoyed it more however it was lacking in that initial wow.
(4/5)


7. Philomena

The story behind Philomena is pretty amazing and tragic all in one go. Dame Judi Dench and Steve Coogan are great in the lead roles and Dame Judi in particular knocks it out of the park. The events in the film are harrowing and emotional and this is made even more poignant when nothing about it is made up, seriously its all true.
(4.5/5)


6. 12 years a slave

Now this is the film that actually won the Oscar and I am not saying that it didn't deserve it by placing it this low on the list as I did like it very much I just would be lying if I said it was my favourite of the bunch. Chiwetel Ejiofor is a cracking actor and his support cast are equally good. The reason I didn't love it was that I found myself becoming a little bored in the middle. I don't even know why I was bored I just was. Still fantastic watch though.
(4/5, I placed it higher than Philomena because of the performances)


5. Gravity

This film is probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen on the big screen. The sweeping shots of this wonderful planet we live on are awe inspiring. It only makes it to 5th on my list because the story isn't exactly the most complex nor is it the most original. Still cracking film though.
(5/5)


4. Captain Phillips

In any other year this would be much higher on my own list and on the Oscars list itself. It is an outstanding film and I am not ashamed to admit that it made me cry (Tom Hanks often does) it just happens to be competing with other stunning creations. Another cracker from Paul Greengrass.
(5/5)


3. Dallas Buyers Club

I'm starting to think I might actually be in love with the new Matthew McConaughey. I mean seriously who knew he could even act let alone pull off some of the greatest performances of recent cinema. Anyone who hasn't seen this film needs to pull their finger out, crack open a bottle of wine and watch.
(5/5)


2. Nebraska

Solely as a film this is no better than either of the previous 2 in this list but the reason it gets placed higher is the sheer surprise of it. I knew very little about this before placing the DVD in the player and fell in love with it. It is a beautiful story and deserves its place in any awards ceremonies.
(5/5)


1. The Wolf Of Wall Street

I have never seen anything like this film in my life. Yes there are lots of drug addled films out there and yes there are lots of rich people doing depraved things in films, just for me personally I have never seen it portrayed in this way. The most terrifying and exhausting thing about it is the fact it is a true story. I have never felt physically exhausted following watching a film but this just blew me away.
(5/5)

Just Friends

Ryan Reynolds is a fat, spotty teenager and is bezzies with super hot Amy Smart. Ryan loves her and tries to tell her but she plays the 'love you like a brother' crapola and rejects him. Ryan then grows up, loses the weight and becomes the sexiest man alive and proceeds to sleep with lots of women. He tells all other men he hangs with how to get women and treat them, easy for you to say Ryan with your washboard abs and your well ironed shirts. He works for a record company and his boss needs him to shmooze with the borderline psychopathic Anna Faris. For some odd reason they end up back in his home town and Amy is just as hot as she used to be. Ryan then tries to convince her that he is now hot and well worth playing hide the purple parsnip with.

I didn't know much about this film before starting to watch other than Ryan Reynolds was in it. I must admit that I like Ryan Reynolds and find him quite a charismatic screen presence, I'm not as big a fan as my friend Danny who is actually in love with him but I like him none the less. The tone of the film is set pretty much straight away with Ryan donning a fat suit and retainer to become his younger, geekier self. To say this is a stupid, silly comedy is an understatement but frankly I quite like that. It is unashamed of what it is and doesn't take itself too seriously. Ryan is his usual charismatic self in the lead and is backed up admirably by Amy and Anna. Is it groundbreaking? No. Do any of the actors stray even slightly out of their comfort zones? No they do not. Would I be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself? Yes, yes I would. I laughed quite a bit throughout the film and found myself forgiving its flaws and just allowed myself to have fun.

Now I'm not saying for one moment that it is a great film, the moral backbone alone brings it down a peg or two, but it is decent enough to keep you entertained. Better than it should be.

Verdict: 3/5

The Double

Richard Gere is a CIA super badass who has spent many years tracking some Russian dude. He is convinced the Russian is dead but new guy Topher Grace thinks he is not. The big bosses then send Richard and Topher out to find this Russian guy. We learn pretty early that Richard is in fact the Russian guy we are looking for and is a double (get it??) agent. Can Topher weed out Richards nasty little plans or will he fail and be charmed by Richard just like we all have since Pretty Woman?

This film was chosen on a Thursday afternoon off during half term and was a pretty spur of the moment choice, made whilst flicking through netflix options. Before the selection was made I had never heard of this film and knew absolutely nothing going into it, quite rare in today's share all mentality. The story is reasonable if a little unoriginal and frankly the reveal, mentioned above, is unveiled way too early. Gere is a little out of place in the lead role as a hardened double agent. His acting is pretty good but he just doesn't look like he has done a physical days work in his entire life. Topher Grace tries his best but isn't the strongest performer in the world and struggles to keep up with his older, well versed partner. The action sequences are decent enough but won't have you sitting on the edge of your seat and the drama is a little lackluster.

Overall I can't say the film is rubbish. Unfortunately it's worse than that, it's a little boring. Shame really as generally I like Richard Gere and his films, even the slightly rubbish ones.

Verdict: 2/5